The other night he tried to "check in" with me again, which basically meant a casual start about something usually related to Japan, a casual mention of something they have been doing together, yoga and different energies, and a "how are you feeling about h and i?" question.
Hmm. To be honest, yes, I've been feeling very free and much more certain about what I want and don't want after the breakup, so it was extremely liberating on many aspects. But somehow, talking to him, especially when he starts making generalizations and statements like "it's funny you like action-oriented movies" and "it's sad (I don't know your movie tastes even now)", oh and of course yoga, just... annoys the hell out of me. I get reminded how black and white he is, how stupidly upset he got he found out it wasn't all peppers that I disliked, and how narrow his worldview seems to be. And I? I become passive aggressive, cryptic, slightly defensive, and yeah I roll my eyes a lot. Haha oops. Sigh.
Recently on the off chance that I do suddenly think about the past, I start to wonder... what did I see and admire so much in him? And right now, I don't know if it's blocked or what but... I don't have a clue. I mean I can remember thinking he was really kind and he had a really good heart, but I can't feel the sincerity and conviction behind these thoughts when I voice it out. Now I see the self-absorbed part, the part that so desperately seeks an answer, a balance, and approval, and the hypocrisy and weightlessness behind his words. Is it that I am bitter from all this, or that love is really an emotion that clouds? I am civil and polite, yes, but I can't muster a single feeling of goodwill and respect right now. On a spectrum, I am positively... neutral.
I think this is an inner battle. When I've finally let go of the previous one, this one takes its place. I'm starting to doubt my taste and judgement in people: How could I have had such a long relationship with someone whom I now can't even respect? Or maybe is it me myself that I cannot respect and confront? Because one of my choices "failed"? Or perhaps it really is that as we grew apart, we grew apart in mindsets and values as well? Yes he has changed, as have I, but the essence is still there. Perhaps, it was there all along but it was something I thought I could live with and viewed as strength, but distance has allowed me to see it with clearer eyes?
No matter what it is, he did once inspire me to see a different side of love and life, and accept a different idea of masculinity/femininity, weakness/strength, success/failure. I think that was what was most charming. :)
Now, I am seriously doubting if we could be friends. On some level I know he is worthy of respect - especially in his ideals and the path he has chosen, but at the same time I start to realize how much he always needs something to completely sink himself in - first it was friends and drugs, then gf and food, then mediation and conferences, now gf and yoga? - because he can never seem to get a hold of himself otherwise. I have nothing against Yoga at all, nor H, or the path he chose: But I can't seem to respect him or his life path. Not sure why. I guess I've always admired people who could be so wholesome and balanced on their own (largely), and he doesn't really fit in there. He always seems to need something to immerse himself totally in, so that he can explain life and himself. Maybe, we all do. I just dislike it very much when he starts to unconsciously preach, especially when half the time, it sounds like the person he is trying to convince the most, is himself.
So last night got me thinking: I don't think we should stay friends, or pretend to stay friends. At least not right now. I don't like the me that talks to him, I don't like the controller and passive aggressive, critical person I put forth when I hear his nonsense. Every time he talks to me, I feel like he still wants something - a nod? a cheery greeting to say I'm totally okay without him? (I'm more than okay but what business is it of his?) a blessing? - something, from me everytime we talk. Of course he'll say there's nothing and he just wants to "check in", but I can feel it and it burdens the hell out of me. Whatever he is unconsciously or subconsciously seeking, I can't give it. It feels no different than from when we were still together lol.
Despite his cheeriness, somehow all I get is negative energy from him. And I've come to realize, that's all I got for the last few months or past year. I read recently that some people get their energy from others, and some people get it from within and being alone; this makes a huge load of sense now. He can go leech off other people, thank you very much.
