LF#1.1

Insightful. And maybe why I'm hesitating about the Sydney post hmm.

https://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140727232741-15381-don-t-waste-your-20s-at-google-or-mckinsey?_mSplash=1

Looking forward

http://www.vamshare.com/happy-couple-habits/

Day#30

http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/8-important-reasons-let-go-people-longer-play-important-part-life/650186/

#1 and #6. Worse thing i think #6 for us both but it still didnt work out lol. Goodbye!

Day#29

Kisakallio is amazing. Just having this type of sports college and arena is ... Amazing. :)

Sat next to a wonderfully humourous guy from Norway and had a wonderful flight over thanks to him :) It also made me realize I'm more than ready to move on and yes older more mature guy pretty please!! Preferably scandinavian with a wonderful sense of humour and adventure too :) We even had breakfast together after meeting up with Wynne. I hope he comes to Asia again soon and maybe I'll be able to show him around SG or Tokyo! :)

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Letting Go#29: Letting go of the notion that I need time before I'm ready again but... Bullcrap! What I need is action and company! :)

Day#28

On the way to the airport now to catch my flight. Sent my last message to him via kkt... And uninstalled it to, coincidentally?, Let It Go. HAHA. Brought on a wry smile.

Finlandddddd!!! And the rest of my life... Here I come! :)

Gotta remember to turn on auto-roaming!

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Letting Go#28: kkt, fb msgs, the gifts and memories all nicely boxed up to be returned to u. :)

Day#27

Karaoke today was really fun! It also makes you realize that an amazing percentage of songs are mostly about love, and breakups. Haha.

I'm starting to get lazy - lazy about writing my resume, about being healthy, about taking care of my finances, about even buying lemons, about the parcel and this purposefully long drawn out parting. It's ending in a few days, actually tomorrow, but I have yet to prepare the parcel.

I think it's more important to pack right now though.

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Letting Go#27: Remembering that there are more important things than this and him and whatever is left of us. Packing. Finding out information. Resume. Job Application. Life. 

Day#26

From: 19 Incredibly Wise Truths From Winnie The Pooh

How lucky am I to have something/someone that's hard to say goodbye to.

Indeed. :) 

Day#25

Exhausting but fun day with squash, Oriole cafe, and floorball match. Tomorrow will be Karaoke! And a bunch of errands + job application. Sigh.

Knowing that they are going on a roadtrip together... it still rankles.

I should totally get a pair of Oakley's made!

===
Letting Go#25: Letting go of the urge to text something irrelevant and random just to get a response. Trying... This one's hard but I look forward to the day when I unconsciously just get on with it haha. Yeehaw! 

Day#24

Peking duck was awesome.


The end.

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Letting Go#24: Feeling protective of him and getting upset that he's being taken granted for aka exploited. Not my fight anymore; but in retrospect, maybe it never was... 

Day#23

http://9gag.com/gag/a75j1Bz

Heol!

This made me laugh haha. Fairytale endings that happen one in a billion. More likely than not, each finds their own lives and different priorities, and never cross paths again.

====
I just remembered the song I heard on the radio yesterday, which made a lot of sense.


你說過牽了手就算約定
但親愛的那並不是愛情
就像來不及許願的流星
再怎麼美麗也只能是曾經

太美的承諾因為太年輕
但親愛的那並不是愛情


It's amazing how we can all share a language but some just have the gift to craft so much beauty into a few words. Especially the last two lines... Sigh :)

Day#22

Burp.

I am still thinking about the APR. Can I hold out till October? It's tough... really tough right now.

I am blessed though. To have found an amazing mentor, to be 'adopted' by an Oniisan in Japan, to have worked with such driven and passionate colleagues, to have had the opportunity to brush up on my languageS, to have found friends, to have been stressed, and also utterly bored.This sounds like a goodbye letter already. Uh....

10 Ways We Make Our Lives Harder Than It Has To Be
8. You let other people steal from you.

If you had a million dollars in cash under your mattress, you would check it regularly and take precautions to insure it is safe. The one possession you have that is more important than money is time. But you don’t do anything to protect it. In fact you willingly give it to thieves. Selfish people, egotistical people, negative people, people who won’t shut up. Treat your time like Fort Knox. Guard it closely and give it only to those who deserve and respect it.

9. You can’t/won’t let go.

These are getting a little harder aren’t they? That’s because sometimes you have to work at happiness. Some hurdles are too difficult to clear by simply adjusting your point of view or adopting a positive mindset.

Do you need to forgive someone? Do you need to turn your back on a failed relationship? Do you need to come to terms with the death of a loved one?

Life is full of loss. But, in a sense, real happiness would not be possible without it.  It helps us appreciate and savor the things that really matter. It helps us grow. It can help us help others grow.

Closure is a word for people who have never really suffered. There’s no such thing. Just try to “manage” your loss. Put it in perspective. You will always have some regret and doubt about your loss. You may always second guess yourself. If only you had said this, or tried that.

You’re not alone. Find someone who understands and talk to that person. Reach out for support. If all else fails, try #10 below.


Is #9 the way he views this 30-day thing and that's why he called me stubborn? Lol. Bah, so what. I'm rocking this life. :)

Day#21

Spent some time at the library today and finally got my postbox to send my final parcel.

Also had my APR today and it was a little disheartening and I felt under-appreciated. I don't see a future there and I think that notion is clearer everyday now. I need to take action soon. I'm half considering objecting to the review I received hmm. Shall sleep on it.

Played squash today and unfortunately during one of the stretches I briefly and very lightly used my left hand to stabilize and... ouch. Pain just shot up on the underside. Sigh. I hope I didn't worsen it. It's bad enough I'm going to have to sit out of the Finland training camp next week, and I also just saw the selections announcement for the SEA Games. Why do I still persist? Why oh why...

Found an amazing cookbook today with a greater purpose - to help those living on foodstamps to have nutritious and cheap food everyday. The author has also started a Kickstarter campaign to help put the book in print, and into the hands of those who need it most and who probably do not have online access. Gotta figure out how to donate for that and also gotta find me the soup kitchen that I've been thinking about for a while now.

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Letting Go#21: Removed Irvine weather widget and USD conversion table. Uninstalled Dropbox cuz I am a tech dino and just can't figure out how to turn off the automatic update. >.< I am a nice person but I am also very inquisitive so... it's better to remove the problem from the root heh.

Day#20

This is so true. So much about what I've grown up and realized in the past 2 years, with or without him.

The Most Important Question indeed, and not one that has an instantaneous answer, but one that takes lifetime to ask, and ask again, and purposeful action to implement.

What’s more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up.

Because happiness requires struggle. You can only avoid pain for so long before it comes roaring back to life.

Day#19

Missed out yesterday too thanks to the eh-may-zing KL food trip hehe. Was still messaging him though, mostly when I'm back at W&G's super amazing condo (I wanna live there!!) at night.

It still stung hearing about the great time they had spending a great time in LA with his good friends. Felt like 'love' is so replaceable...

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Letting Go#19: Today I started letting go of the idea that after this 30-day journey, I will never feel a tinge of anything again hearing about their news and happy times together. I've realized: Some things have to be purposefully let go; but some things should just be left to hurt, sometimes with reason and for a reason, who knows.  

Day#18

Oops missed it. Flew in to KL yesterday morning and having a blast! SH came along too.

Letting Go#18: Removed dual clock. Heh.

Day#17

Life is so transient... and the most ominous two letters this year must be em and aych. Sigh.
All the more because life is so fragile, we cannot treat ourselves in too fragile a manner, walking through existence in fear. And to live life fully, letting go is paramount.

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Letting Go#16+#17: I never realized it till now but my desktop background and mobile background are the same - a lovely picture of a red rose-like flower, taken by him. It was not a photo he'd taken for me or with me, but a photo he'd taken and I'd been very taken by it. I'm not sure he even knew that but something called out to me from the photo. A sort of tragic forlorn loveliness, maybe. Time to say goodbye. 

Day#16

This journey is petering out, as is my will to continue it, but I realize I'm already on so many other journeys too - both external and internal.

Was supposed to leave for KL with the guys and girls earlier tonight, but work piled high and I wanted my brother to join us if he could, so I bought plane tickets instead. Flying off tomorrow morning to join in the fun! Left the office today at 9.30pm +, and I forget how quiet and peaceful the walk out can be, to the extent that I can sing loudly to myself and not care, because well, there are no pedestrians around at that time heh.

My wrist hurt and ached today. I'm worried but some part of me is trying to console me and say it's just a sign that it's healing. I really hope so but I don't know so... Much of how life is like anyway eh? Full of dreams and less of certainties. 

Day#15

Busy day at work and then off to play squash with yy n my brother - he is really good! Yy's going to be away for close to two months for work. Kinda cool but i think the timing sucks for him n sr though.

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Letting Go#15: I'm letting go of the need to check and reply to his messages instantaneously! It's not a hard task per se, and I had actually had practice doing that just a few months ago, but this time, I want it to be a patient, forgiving type of letting go. A letting go by design and purpose, rather than spite and insecurity.

I'm doing okay :)

Day#14

I posed him - or myself really - a question today: Is it easier to break up with someone who is strong?

Yet to look at the reply. Wonder if it'll surprise me - hope it does because that's what these 30 days are about for me.

Letting Go#14: Okay it wasn't done today but I just remembered I have deleted the one picture I had of him in my phone. It wasn't even a picture we had taken together - in fact, it was one I had snapped of him and another girl friend at one of my favourite restaurants. I'd really liked that photo somehow. I'd really liked him. I'd looked at the photo, smiled a small fond smile, and whispered a goodbye as I clicked the "delete" button.

Also, I'm learning to stay away from that yellow and black little icon more and more now. Whee!

===
Today was my brother's birthday, and my family had a meal out together - one of the very very few that we ever have together anymore. It was great. Happy Birthday little bro :) You grow more handsome and trendy each year; and more importantly, your heart grows kinder and your character stronger each time. May you stay kind and cheerful, despite whatever sour lemons life might bring. 

Day#13

Wearing a wrist brace makes it kind of hard to type. And today is only day 1 of six weeks. Gah. There goes my Finland training camp, half the floorball season, and all the wonderful momentum I've gathered up till now. Lol. I should be moping. Should be. Just like how I should have been crying about the breakup. But to hell with stereotypes and conventions. I admire those who shine despite the rough weather.

Almost at the halfway mark now. Time to note down some of the worthy things I've learnt and also remind myself why I am doing this. Or rather than "remind", it's more like "define", "clarify", "note".

----

Ah heck this. Too bothersome for now with this best friend around my wrist. Onigiri + RM calls! :D 

Day #12

[Edit: Ah crap it seems like I missed a day - yesterday. Oops. Having too much fun assisting and making friends with the junior team! Hehe. Coaching is really enjoyable, depending on who you coach I guess. It was terribly endearing how even after their long debrief and scoldings yesterday when they lost their match, a bunch of them still plopped down by me to queue for 'consultation'. Ahh... Hehe :)]

Read a wonderful article here on the dynamics of marriage, and how we sometimes end up choosing to marry inappropriate partners in modern times. I think this applies beyond marriage too, and this comes at a wonderful time for me while I'm at this juncture.

Some key parts that really stuck -. Points 3 and 9 are really relevant for me right now.

Three: We aren’t used to being happy

We believe we seek happiness in love, but it’s not quite as simple. What at times it seems we actually seek is familiarity – which may well complicate any plans we might have for happiness.

We recreate in adult relationships some of the feelings we knew in childhood. It was as children that we first came to know and understand what love meant. But unfortunately, the lessons we picked up may not have been straightforward. The love we knew as children may have come entwined with other, less pleasant dynamics: being controlled, feeling humiliated, being abandoned, never communicating, in short: suffering.

As adults, we may then reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways.

We marry the wrong people because the right ones feel wrong – undeserved; because we have no experience of health, because we don’t ultimately associate being loved with feeling satisfied.

Seven: We want to freeze happiness
We have a desperate and fateful urge to try to make nice things permanent. We want to own the car we like, we want to live in the country we enjoyed as a tourist. And we want to marry the person we are having a terrific time with

Getting married has no power to keep a relationship at this beautiful stage. It is not in command of the ingredients of our happiness at that point. In fact, marriage will decisively move the relationship on to another, very different moment: to a suburban house, a long commute, two small children. The only ingredient in common is the partner. And that might have been the wrong ingredient to bottle.

Nine: We want to stop thinking about Love
 Part of the reason we feel like getting married is to interrupt the all-consuming grip that love has over our psyches. We are exhausted by the melodramas and thrills that go nowhere. We are restless for other challenges. We hope that marriage can conclusively end love’s painful rule over our lives.

It can’t and won’t: there is as much doubt, hope, fear, rejection and betrayal in a marriage as there is in single life. It’s only from the outside that a marriage looks peaceful, uneventful and nicely boring.

Preparing us for marriage is, ideally, an educational task that falls on culture as a whole. We have stopped believing in dynastic marriages. We are starting to see the drawbacks of Romantic marriages. Now comes the time for psychological marriages.


We talked again today; I'd resolutely followed up with him after my not-so-nice self left me feeling kind of guilty. I still don't know why I'm doing this - well I kind of know, but sometimes I still think I'm kind of crazy too. I ask about his life and inadvertently I'd ask about them as well, and it still feels weird hearing about it. It's been less than two weeks after all and they're official already. I knew as much but knowing doesn't pre-empt or prevent the ache that comes despite the knowledge. Still, I keep rubbing the salt in my wounds because now, I've decided, instead of shutting out the pain and focusing on other things, the best way to heal is to throw as much shit as you can at the gaping wound, and tell it to get over itself. Some parts of me - especially the rational part and life-goal part-  has long been free; but some other parts of me still stubbornly cling on and pretends (?) to mind and be jealous. I'm figuring that out. At this point, I still can't bring myself to tell him "Thank you for letting me go when I had been so ready to be trapped." It'll come. 

Day#10.1

First league match yesterday had been amazing, except for the part where I spraines my wrist and it went numb for like five mins. It's still swollen today and makes me cringe even just doing small everyday actions.

Assisting with the junior team later on in the day was again really satisfying. Followed them out for a crab dinner (aww yeah!) post-match and it was really fun! A pity these type of large group social gatherings seem to fade off once ure in the rat race. On a sidenote, they all think I'm ancient haha.

Day#10

"What do you do for a living? You're always on FB." And I laughed. That's been absolutely true recently. In the past I'd hardly had time to check FB since I only checked it on the computer and after trainings for two different sports, dates with friends and family, I'd be too exhausted to turn on my laptop. But the past week has been a lot of reorganizing, of my thoughts, my priorities and my life goals. I've also been able to, surprisingly, draw a lot of strength and support from different friends via FB. Plus, I'm learning how to chao keng at work when it's not busy, which is most of the time lol.

So... yeah. Haha.

He didn't reply or initiate conversation with me yesterday, which made me feel bad, because maybe I'd been too insensitive the day before, but I'd been honest with my mood and thoughts then so yeah. No matter what, I'm still going to do this, because over the past few days, I've finally began to understand why I have this compelling need to do this.

Yesterday, I briefly met R too. And after realizing some things at the last episode of J apologizing, I've realized you can never ever 'beat' this guy - too many loyal lackeys haha, so why bother? And yesterday, I happily realized I've exorcised my demons and moved past it already. It felt wonderful :) I'm not going to let it take YEARS again though. No, just no.

All my life I've been told and made to be strong, whether it was due to the character of my dad, my birth ranking, my academic results, or my roles at school. Nobody ever taught me to be weak, or more importantly, noone told or showed me that it is okay to fail, to fall, and to be weak. After his comments about how I made him feel small, it struck me that yes, every time we talked, I felt like I had to be the mentor, I had to give the answers, I had to be the strong one because he was not - and it frustrated me. It'd frustrated me to the extent that I probably started accumulating so much stress and resentment without even noticing it, and all these probably leaked out in the most unfortunate way. I recall the aura reading that was done on me, which basically was: "Holding a lot of stress, suppressing your feminine side, masculine side to the fore. Why are you so stressed?" Why was I so stressed indeed, at that point I had already completed my rotation. Maybe this is why. I'm going to find my balance, regardless of the expectations that may exist.


In some ways, he'd helped me to learn to be "weak", and in turn that had "freed" me for a little bit. So I'd always thought we'd be great together because I'd teach him to be strong and he'd teach me to be weak and we'll be free to be ourselves this way. Yet, I was surprised at how I felt free after we broke up; not just the singlehood type of free, but a kind of relief and clarity that said "hey, now I'm free to chase my dreams and goals, whatever they are." I was totally surprised, to be honest. When did I start feeling shackled and chained down? Being with this guy had taught me to show more emotions (be myself) and might have possibly brought me a life abroad, I'd imagined. How was I chained down?

Things to ponder.

Day#9

Morning! Finally checking out jobs and it's also the first match of the league today! Last night, speaking with SWW also opened up a few new doors with regards to further studies in Finland, and yesterday during the day, J came by my desk and let me know about the req that had supposedly been open.

Exciting. :)

One of my favourite songs right now. Total sass. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kj5YUQHQQYg

Day#8.1

Lol he just called to talk about his 'gory' nightmares. He totally needs a dictionary and lots of self-help books. I don't know what he expected - okay I know he expected answers - but I refused to give him any, and just bombarded him with questions. After a while he got frustrated and I was laughing inside. Not because I was making fun of him or anything - I was making it difficult yes but not being mean... I think - but because he's such a self-centred kid. Can't believe I didn't see it all along.

I told him that my respect for him has nosedived this past week though haha, not that it matters to him because he still "values my opinions a lot". Then he tells me something that he has "rediscovered about us" - he always feels small talking to me. Yeah? And do you know how frustrating that was? When I'm trying to talk about goals and plans and us, and all you could see were barbs everywhere?? You couldn't see past yourself. I tried so hard to deliver it well because I knew how fragile you were, but nope, everything was a threat. How tiring to always be the one carrying the mantle. Add on top of that a layer of guilt that you somehow fashioned despite my greatest efforts. How tiring it must have been for you too.

Haha, I give up. The funny thing was that you were so desperate about your situation you had actually forgotten about this, until we talked again.

We're not friends; we just broke up; what did you expect? Me to coo and soothe your fears? I can be a sounding board, but if all you do is come to me for answers about yourself and your life, then I suggest you pray instead.

Good luck.

----
P.S. I'd be interested to see whether this would last beyond 1-3 years. Kinda tempting to see if one of my realizations about you and falling in love is accurate or not. But then again, what may be true now may change entirely tomorrow. A lot of things - more than what we give credit for - is simply about how we see it and deal with it. I've changed a lot in the past week. Maybe you will too in the course of your new journey; I kinda wish you won't so that I get proven right, but the better part of me hopes you will. Heh. 

Day#8

One day he's admitting to kissing her, the next day he's coming to me for dream-deciphering. Wow. What a thoughtless jerk haha. I have to thank him for this though - my respect for him is sinking faster than a pebble thrown into water. I guess it's also kind of really sad, that he is supposedly so surrounded by friends and family, and healing spiritual activities and work, but he has to confide his nightmare to his ex-girlfriend who is only half the world away. Or maybe that's exactly why lol. Whatever. Part of me knows I could totally use this to ingratiate myself into his life and crush him at an opportune moment in the future, but then, I immediately discard kind of thought (with a slight smile) because... it's just not worth it. He's not worth it lol. Good luck dude.

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Letting Go#8: Today I let go of my apparently self-sustained respect for him. I also threw away the jar of peanut puff snacks that I had bought from CNY to send over to him, and never did. I threw away that jar of guilt from me not trying hard enough sometimes.

====
Voicing out:
As a part of this journey, I'm beginning to understand what I want. I've always been a drifter, without a definite career/financial/academic goal, just kind of snapping up goodies that floated my way. (I drift but thank goodness I am not so ambivalent as to pass up on opportunities!) I've always been afraid of what humans called love, what society calls marriage, what simply looks like a bunch of strings tying me down. But slowly, very slowly, the fog is lifting and I am suddenly sometimes filled with a sense of surety and calmness as I sieve through the thoughts that bounce up and down, inside and out of my head (and heart): I want a life partner. Not a partner for life - because noone can ever predict what happens- but a partner to walk through Life with. I think, no I know it will be a beautiful journey. We will be a beautiful journey. But until then, my journey is nevertheless full of the beauty of growth and opportunities, of courage and of love. That's all I want. :)

I'm also suddenly free from the unseen shackles that I had unknowingly cast around my ankles. What I had found to be murky before, is suddenly crystal clear. Thanks to him, I had started thinking of an alternate lifestyle - one that is quite different from the one I lead currently. Yet, I had been so afraid to try and I didn't really understand why. Suddenly, remove him from the equation and it's perfectly clear. The life I'd wanted was for myself; not him, not us, not anybody else. And he, though the catalyst who seeded such beautiful thoughts, was also the shackles.

I'm free. :) 

Day#7.3

I received the dress I ordered online - it's perfect! Just goes to show, good things comes to those who wait. :) Also, grateful for friends who generously share their time, experiences, and advice, even on their birthdays. Grateful for acquaintances, who seem to accord you respect despite the lack of familiarity. Amazing really. :)
Thankful for friends who you can share just about anything with, even if you were in two different countries. Oh yes, and for the coolest brother who doesn't react to my news about this, and with whom I can honestly share some of the thoughts that have surfaced quite strongly recently, and look me in the eye to tell me "Jie, if that's what you really want to go, then just go do it. I think the younger you are the better. Just leave everything here to me, don't worry. I think I'm the most settled here anyway." Such maturity already... So proud of him and so thankful for this kind of support. :) 

Day#7.2

After a lovely fast food dinner with the brother and a hour nap, I am ready to tackle this world again. Unfortunately the moment I turned on my comp there was a prompt that I'd usually ignored, but today it struck me so I clicked it. Ah pictures, my eyes my eyes. Okay time to let it go, not before one peek of more evidence though haha. Wow not bad, he restrained for one whole week before taking pictures of them spending time together? Lol.

I am resolved to go through this 30 days of salt washing for my wound. I wonder if he will be able to keep it up. I have to be careful not to become Aunt Agony though, after today. Eww, feeling like ants crawling all over my skin. Even though my response had been nothing short of magnanimous and actually very sincere, it's slightly too much information and too quick to know this kinda stuff... even for me.

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Letting Go#7.2:
Today's a huge milestone, letting go of a couple of things, which include: KKT notifications (which might not really count cuz I still constantly checked it, but all in good time); his family and friends (thanks FB);  DropBox ( pics of her and whatever the hell they're doing together? no thanks); reaching out to several close friends/mentors/coworkers for advice - just being able to say it really helped hehe, not to mention hearing everyone's anecdotes and varying advice was wonderful. :)

Also, the conversation with Egg really helped - he's saying all the stuff that my head and heart has been saying for a while now, but which I've tried to suppress. I was also finally able to admit to someone about the feeling of being set free now. Time to fly girl :) 

Day#7.1

The lack of sleep is really getting to me now, and probably the admission too. So tired. Why is xx overseas now why why why?

I just want a normal relationship. So simple. That's all.

Day#7

Lol right after he confessed he kissed her yesterday, Qin Ai De Na Bu Shi Ai Qing came on. Lolllll. Talk about signs. Song 3 of 4. Maybe it'll be over when song #4 appears.

====
Letting Go#7: I let go of my jealousy and whatever fears that had built up with it. Wasnt as bad admitting it as I thought it'd be.
I'm off to a good start today. :) Hope it keeps up!

Day #6

Today was a moody day fuelled by lack of sleep more than anything else. He sent a quote that he thought might be insensitive, while I said things aimed to slightly provoke. No difference. He questions if I've even been grieving; who says I have to? I think we're both trying to do a one-up in a different way from usual - see who can be the better do-gooder! Lol... Watching World Cup now with my brother and the defence on both sides have been so solid!

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Letting Go#6: Letting go of the urge to speak up against the flow. It's so tiring to swim upstream when everything/one else is going with the flow.

Day #5

Today was a day with a varied range of moods and conversation. There was a majestic storm in the middle of the night, complete with howling winds and, I imagine in my mostly asleep state, lashing rains. This morning was.. snarky to say the least. Sarcastic and passive aggressive.

Somehow that morphed. And there was even a little light moment and some conversation.

I think all in all, the universe has been amazing. I swear the stars are all aligning to bless me these few days. First, the amazing timing of several friends who suddenly re-entered my life. Then today, on the radio I caught two of my three breakup songs from that summer. Even the other songs on radio today were all messages. I couldn't stop smiling, whether from all these thoughts and messages, or just purely from the heart.

Sleepy now, just completed training with the school team. I really enjoy being there and I think it's helping me to see how I can help others, and how I can be a better person.

====
Letting Go#5: Today I took a teeny tiny step towards the letting go of the urge to contact you and be contacted by you: the KKT icon has been moved.

Day#4

Today, I selfishly bombarded him with texts, and he ignored every single one of them and replied on FB instead. Smart guy lol. But whatever it is, I've said all the things I've never been able to say before. My innermost feelings, the random observations on the way to work that I thought were funny but really trivial, the self-talk that often happens in my head and nowhere else. Should have thrown in one more "Cat got your tongue? I mean, Breakup got your tongue?" Haha. Darn it.

This is for me. I don't know why I feel like I need it, but I really want to be able to go through all the varying moods and forgive myself as soon as possible. The last time it wasn't even really a relationship yet it had taken me so long to even realize the reason why I continued to be so affected by him, so haunted, was simply because... even after so many years I could not, could not forgive myself.

Day 4 aww yeah! Now I also have to go reflect on the training today and moan about the 10,000 volley shots we're supposed to do in 7 weeks. Yes, 10 thousand.

====
Letting Go #4: Today, I let go of my filter. Aww yeah!

Day #3

Today I got to tell him my breakup plan. He agreed to try, and I hope he really does. If not, fuck that too. I wonder how difficult it is going to be to put me first for the next 30 days when he probably has not done it for so long. On my part, I know it's going to be so so difficult, because I am going to have to extract, verbalize, convey and then destroy all my desires and wishes that I had/still have.

How exciting. Sigh.

Conversation with Kevin helped though. Also Isabel is finally back so maybe catching up with her would help too.

Today was museum, Fort Canning Hill, my favourite carrot cake, and durians.

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Letting Go #3: Today I let go of wanting to share and explore Singapore with him. Thanks to the visit to Fort Canning Park and National Museum, all I could think of was how much he'd enjoy some of the amazing photos in the exhibition, as well as the Japan Film Festival, and how pretty I had once hoped to show him Singapore is. Thank you for once filling my thoughts whenever I went to a pretty new place. 

Day 2# Recollection

Funnily enough, a past close friend who I treat like an elder brother and had tried to catch up with him 3-4 months ago, suddenly texted me on this day to ask if I was free for dinner. I was overjoyed. And a little overwhelmed. I felt like the world was giving me unspoken support. First Jon, busy with his family and summer in Tokyo, but still caring enough to message me to tell me "Take good care of yourself - someone cares about you!". Kevin - whom I met just one summer five years ago and hardly kept in touch - with his sweet message from half the world around: "Did someone hurt the turtle? Just like life, love Carries on. Hopefully your love and life will carry on to someone more deserving." (Oh Kevin... :)) And of course there's XX. Egg.

Dinner with Egg was great. It inspired me, motivated me, and one of my bigger takeaways was that he unconsciously  helped me rephrase my very clumsy "Love is a choice". "Falling in love is easy and pure chemistry; Staying in Love is a choice."

Y.e.s. Unfortunately I had never been able to convey that well, and perhaps from the start our ideas and ideals of love have been so different that it was never going to work out? Maybe? I want so much for that to be true, but it still sounds like an excuse. It didn't work out because we both stopped trying at parts.

"Let's just be friends..." Hadn't made me feel like crying. But seeing all these amazing and unexpected sources of emotional support and friendship made me want to bawl my eyes out. I got a tear.

XX was adamant that former lovers cannot be friends. I don't know whether they can but part of me wanted that to be untrue. Then I started asking myself why? Why did I want to prove or hope that we could stay friends? Was it because I still could not let go?

Of course I could not let go. It'd been 2.5 years. 2.5 years of my youth, my life, my time, my tears, my joys. Who could end that in just one day? That's just... inhuman. On the same day as our breakup, I decided to also tell my first ex one thing that I had never been able to tell him but always wanted to. I wanted a clean slate, I wanted whatever nasties that happened in the past to stay in the past and just not haunt me. I didn't want to take five years again to tell someone something just because previously I did not have the time, the mood, or the guts to tell them there and then.

I decided I will ask him this: Give me 30 days, 30 days for 30 months. We've already been together 30 months, what's one more right? In my mind I thought of what I'd do. I'd blog or write a journal for this period of time, when I'd lay myself bare, say whatever I always wanted to say, put him first, and be honest whatever the time, mood, medium of communication. No more excuses. I needed to learn how to lay myself bare, I thought, so that I could be ready to learn to love again in the future and not be hindered by fears. 30 days of his attention. That's all I wanted. Put me first, like you used to in our first year together.

I resolved to tell him my plan when we were supposed to talk. But the talk did not happen, because he thought we had already chat and I thought we had not. I'm sure he had his good reasons, but again, another small promise broken.


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Letting Go #2: Today, I let go of the disappointment I felt all the times he made small (and big) promises but could not keep them.

Day 1# Recollection

I'd missed work because I overslept by more than 90 minutes, so I called in a no-show and rested after 2 weeks of tiring trainings and exercise, and also of trying to get my life on track to where I wanted to head. I gave him a free pass the week before for his camping trip - "don't feel like you have to reply me unless you're 100% there" - because I felt him slipping away, and slipping under a huge pile of pressure that I just did not know how to relieve him of. I wanted so much to be his support and not his pressure; but it came to a point where no matter what I said or did not say, they all just stressed him out anyway. I was so helpless. He saw ultimatums where I issued none; threats where all I wanted to share was my fears; disagreements when I wanted to help him realize it's not black and white.

And suddenly, one week after I'd hoped he would find a balance within for him and for us, he decided to call it quits. This, just a month (or two?) after I had decided I needed to pluck my courage up and move towards him because I'm the one who financially and emotionally could. This, after I renewed my love and commitment. This, after I tried to give him space and time for more than a year to find himself, but all he could find were the words "I think we should just be friends".

It hurt.

My heart tried to rationalize it. Is it another girl? Did you just realized you stopped loving me? Why did you go from effusively declaring "I would keep fighting for you" to "I don't have the capacity to do this."? Am I too difficult to love? I must be.

I still don't have an answer, and even as I pressed him for some, he could offer not much more. He cried for a while, as we talked and as I tried to re-confirm his resolute stance over and over again, and I did not. I think it bothered him a lot. Little did he know - nor did I realize - the numbing process had already begun weeks before.

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Letting Go #1: Today I let go of my pride - instead of finishing his "break-up" sentence for him, I let him say it. He must have taken a lot of courage to say it and I did not want to steal the words from him, nor give him an easy way out. Then, instead of easily accepting it, I spent a few hours making sure it was really him and not the fear speaking. Pride would have told me to just easily and cheerily say "Sure! I knew this was happening. It's for the better.". Pride would have prevented me from even trying to fight for us for just a little bit more. Pride did not prevail, but he did. We broke up.