"What do you do for a living? You're always on FB." And I laughed. That's been absolutely true recently. In the past I'd hardly had time to check FB since I only checked it on the computer and after trainings for two different sports, dates with friends and family, I'd be too exhausted to turn on my laptop. But the past week has been a lot of reorganizing, of my thoughts, my priorities and my life goals. I've also been able to, surprisingly, draw a lot of strength and support from different friends via FB. Plus, I'm learning how to chao keng at work when it's not busy, which is most of the time lol.
So... yeah. Haha.
He didn't reply or initiate conversation with me yesterday, which made me feel bad, because maybe I'd been too insensitive the day before, but I'd been honest with my mood and thoughts then so yeah. No matter what, I'm still going to do this, because over the past few days, I've finally began to understand why I have this compelling need to do this.
Yesterday, I briefly met R too. And after realizing some things at the last episode of J apologizing, I've realized you can never ever 'beat' this guy - too many loyal lackeys haha, so why bother? And yesterday, I happily realized I've exorcised my demons and moved past it already. It felt wonderful :) I'm not going to let it take YEARS again though. No, just no.
All my life I've been told and made to be strong, whether it was due to the character of my dad, my birth ranking, my academic results, or my roles at school. Nobody ever taught me to be weak, or more importantly, noone told or showed me that it is okay to fail, to fall, and to be weak. After his comments about how I made him feel small, it struck me that yes, every time we talked, I felt like I had to be the mentor, I had to give the answers, I had to be the strong one because he was not - and it frustrated me. It'd frustrated me to the extent that I probably started accumulating so much stress and resentment without even noticing it, and all these probably leaked out in the most unfortunate way. I recall the aura reading that was done on me, which basically was: "Holding a lot of stress, suppressing your feminine side, masculine side to the fore. Why are you so stressed?" Why was I so stressed indeed, at that point I had already completed my rotation. Maybe this is why. I'm going to find my balance, regardless of the expectations that may exist.
In some ways, he'd helped me to learn to be "weak", and in turn that had "freed" me for a little bit. So I'd always thought we'd be great together because I'd teach him to be strong and he'd teach me to be weak and we'll be free to be ourselves this way. Yet, I was surprised at how I felt free after we broke up; not just the singlehood type of free, but a kind of relief and clarity that said "hey, now I'm free to chase my dreams and goals, whatever they are." I was totally surprised, to be honest. When did I start feeling shackled and chained down? Being with this guy had taught me to show more emotions (be myself) and might have possibly brought me a life abroad, I'd imagined. How was I chained down?
Things to ponder.
So... yeah. Haha.
He didn't reply or initiate conversation with me yesterday, which made me feel bad, because maybe I'd been too insensitive the day before, but I'd been honest with my mood and thoughts then so yeah. No matter what, I'm still going to do this, because over the past few days, I've finally began to understand why I have this compelling need to do this.
Yesterday, I briefly met R too. And after realizing some things at the last episode of J apologizing, I've realized you can never ever 'beat' this guy - too many loyal lackeys haha, so why bother? And yesterday, I happily realized I've exorcised my demons and moved past it already. It felt wonderful :) I'm not going to let it take YEARS again though. No, just no.
All my life I've been told and made to be strong, whether it was due to the character of my dad, my birth ranking, my academic results, or my roles at school. Nobody ever taught me to be weak, or more importantly, noone told or showed me that it is okay to fail, to fall, and to be weak. After his comments about how I made him feel small, it struck me that yes, every time we talked, I felt like I had to be the mentor, I had to give the answers, I had to be the strong one because he was not - and it frustrated me. It'd frustrated me to the extent that I probably started accumulating so much stress and resentment without even noticing it, and all these probably leaked out in the most unfortunate way. I recall the aura reading that was done on me, which basically was: "Holding a lot of stress, suppressing your feminine side, masculine side to the fore. Why are you so stressed?" Why was I so stressed indeed, at that point I had already completed my rotation. Maybe this is why. I'm going to find my balance, regardless of the expectations that may exist.
In some ways, he'd helped me to learn to be "weak", and in turn that had "freed" me for a little bit. So I'd always thought we'd be great together because I'd teach him to be strong and he'd teach me to be weak and we'll be free to be ourselves this way. Yet, I was surprised at how I felt free after we broke up; not just the singlehood type of free, but a kind of relief and clarity that said "hey, now I'm free to chase my dreams and goals, whatever they are." I was totally surprised, to be honest. When did I start feeling shackled and chained down? Being with this guy had taught me to show more emotions (be myself) and might have possibly brought me a life abroad, I'd imagined. How was I chained down?
Things to ponder.
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