I'd missed work because I overslept by more than 90 minutes, so I called in a no-show and rested after 2 weeks of tiring trainings and exercise, and also of trying to get my life on track to where I wanted to head. I gave him a free pass the week before for his camping trip - "don't feel like you have to reply me unless you're 100% there" - because I felt him slipping away, and slipping under a huge pile of pressure that I just did not know how to relieve him of. I wanted so much to be his support and not his pressure; but it came to a point where no matter what I said or did not say, they all just stressed him out anyway. I was so helpless. He saw ultimatums where I issued none; threats where all I wanted to share was my fears; disagreements when I wanted to help him realize it's not black and white.
And suddenly, one week after I'd hoped he would find a balance within for him and for us, he decided to call it quits. This, just a month (or two?) after I had decided I needed to pluck my courage up and move towards him because I'm the one who financially and emotionally could. This, after I renewed my love and commitment. This, after I tried to give him space and time for more than a year to find himself, but all he could find were the words "I think we should just be friends".
It hurt.
My heart tried to rationalize it. Is it another girl? Did you just realized you stopped loving me? Why did you go from effusively declaring "I would keep fighting for you" to "I don't have the capacity to do this."? Am I too difficult to love? I must be.
I still don't have an answer, and even as I pressed him for some, he could offer not much more. He cried for a while, as we talked and as I tried to re-confirm his resolute stance over and over again, and I did not. I think it bothered him a lot. Little did he know - nor did I realize - the numbing process had already begun weeks before.
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Letting Go #1: Today I let go of my pride - instead of finishing his "break-up" sentence for him, I let him say it. He must have taken a lot of courage to say it and I did not want to steal the words from him, nor give him an easy way out. Then, instead of easily accepting it, I spent a few hours making sure it was really him and not the fear speaking. Pride would have told me to just easily and cheerily say "Sure! I knew this was happening. It's for the better.". Pride would have prevented me from even trying to fight for us for just a little bit more. Pride did not prevail, but he did. We broke up.
And suddenly, one week after I'd hoped he would find a balance within for him and for us, he decided to call it quits. This, just a month (or two?) after I had decided I needed to pluck my courage up and move towards him because I'm the one who financially and emotionally could. This, after I renewed my love and commitment. This, after I tried to give him space and time for more than a year to find himself, but all he could find were the words "I think we should just be friends".
It hurt.
My heart tried to rationalize it. Is it another girl? Did you just realized you stopped loving me? Why did you go from effusively declaring "I would keep fighting for you" to "I don't have the capacity to do this."? Am I too difficult to love? I must be.
I still don't have an answer, and even as I pressed him for some, he could offer not much more. He cried for a while, as we talked and as I tried to re-confirm his resolute stance over and over again, and I did not. I think it bothered him a lot. Little did he know - nor did I realize - the numbing process had already begun weeks before.
====
Letting Go #1: Today I let go of my pride - instead of finishing his "break-up" sentence for him, I let him say it. He must have taken a lot of courage to say it and I did not want to steal the words from him, nor give him an easy way out. Then, instead of easily accepting it, I spent a few hours making sure it was really him and not the fear speaking. Pride would have told me to just easily and cheerily say "Sure! I knew this was happening. It's for the better.". Pride would have prevented me from even trying to fight for us for just a little bit more. Pride did not prevail, but he did. We broke up.
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