Funnily enough, a past close friend who I treat like an elder brother and had tried to catch up with him 3-4 months ago, suddenly texted me on this day to ask if I was free for dinner. I was overjoyed. And a little overwhelmed. I felt like the world was giving me unspoken support. First Jon, busy with his family and summer in Tokyo, but still caring enough to message me to tell me "Take good care of yourself - someone cares about you!". Kevin - whom I met just one summer five years ago and hardly kept in touch - with his sweet message from half the world around: "Did someone hurt the turtle? Just like life, love Carries on. Hopefully your love and life will carry on to someone more deserving." (Oh Kevin... :)) And of course there's XX. Egg.
Dinner with Egg was great. It inspired me, motivated me, and one of my bigger takeaways was that he unconsciously helped me rephrase my very clumsy "Love is a choice". "Falling in love is easy and pure chemistry; Staying in Love is a choice."
Y.e.s. Unfortunately I had never been able to convey that well, and perhaps from the start our ideas and ideals of love have been so different that it was never going to work out? Maybe? I want so much for that to be true, but it still sounds like an excuse. It didn't work out because we both stopped trying at parts.
"Let's just be friends..." Hadn't made me feel like crying. But seeing all these amazing and unexpected sources of emotional support and friendship made me want to bawl my eyes out. I got a tear.
XX was adamant that former lovers cannot be friends. I don't know whether they can but part of me wanted that to be untrue. Then I started asking myself why? Why did I want to prove or hope that we could stay friends? Was it because I still could not let go?
Of course I could not let go. It'd been 2.5 years. 2.5 years of my youth, my life, my time, my tears, my joys. Who could end that in just one day? That's just... inhuman. On the same day as our breakup, I decided to also tell my first ex one thing that I had never been able to tell him but always wanted to. I wanted a clean slate, I wanted whatever nasties that happened in the past to stay in the past and just not haunt me. I didn't want to take five years again to tell someone something just because previously I did not have the time, the mood, or the guts to tell them there and then.
I decided I will ask him this: Give me 30 days, 30 days for 30 months. We've already been together 30 months, what's one more right? In my mind I thought of what I'd do. I'd blog or write a journal for this period of time, when I'd lay myself bare, say whatever I always wanted to say, put him first, and be honest whatever the time, mood, medium of communication. No more excuses. I needed to learn how to lay myself bare, I thought, so that I could be ready to learn to love again in the future and not be hindered by fears. 30 days of his attention. That's all I wanted. Put me first, like you used to in our first year together.
I resolved to tell him my plan when we were supposed to talk. But the talk did not happen, because he thought we had already chat and I thought we had not. I'm sure he had his good reasons, but again, another small promise broken.
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Letting Go #2: Today, I let go of the disappointment I felt all the times he made small (and big) promises but could not keep them.
Dinner with Egg was great. It inspired me, motivated me, and one of my bigger takeaways was that he unconsciously helped me rephrase my very clumsy "Love is a choice". "Falling in love is easy and pure chemistry; Staying in Love is a choice."
Y.e.s. Unfortunately I had never been able to convey that well, and perhaps from the start our ideas and ideals of love have been so different that it was never going to work out? Maybe? I want so much for that to be true, but it still sounds like an excuse. It didn't work out because we both stopped trying at parts.
"Let's just be friends..." Hadn't made me feel like crying. But seeing all these amazing and unexpected sources of emotional support and friendship made me want to bawl my eyes out. I got a tear.
XX was adamant that former lovers cannot be friends. I don't know whether they can but part of me wanted that to be untrue. Then I started asking myself why? Why did I want to prove or hope that we could stay friends? Was it because I still could not let go?
Of course I could not let go. It'd been 2.5 years. 2.5 years of my youth, my life, my time, my tears, my joys. Who could end that in just one day? That's just... inhuman. On the same day as our breakup, I decided to also tell my first ex one thing that I had never been able to tell him but always wanted to. I wanted a clean slate, I wanted whatever nasties that happened in the past to stay in the past and just not haunt me. I didn't want to take five years again to tell someone something just because previously I did not have the time, the mood, or the guts to tell them there and then.
I decided I will ask him this: Give me 30 days, 30 days for 30 months. We've already been together 30 months, what's one more right? In my mind I thought of what I'd do. I'd blog or write a journal for this period of time, when I'd lay myself bare, say whatever I always wanted to say, put him first, and be honest whatever the time, mood, medium of communication. No more excuses. I needed to learn how to lay myself bare, I thought, so that I could be ready to learn to love again in the future and not be hindered by fears. 30 days of his attention. That's all I wanted. Put me first, like you used to in our first year together.
I resolved to tell him my plan when we were supposed to talk. But the talk did not happen, because he thought we had already chat and I thought we had not. I'm sure he had his good reasons, but again, another small promise broken.
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Letting Go #2: Today, I let go of the disappointment I felt all the times he made small (and big) promises but could not keep them.
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