One day he's admitting to kissing her, the next day he's coming to me for dream-deciphering. Wow. What a thoughtless jerk haha. I have to thank him for this though - my respect for him is sinking faster than a pebble thrown into water. I guess it's also kind of really sad, that he is supposedly so surrounded by friends and family, and healing spiritual activities and work, but he has to confide his nightmare to his ex-girlfriend who is only half the world away. Or maybe that's exactly why lol. Whatever. Part of me knows I could totally use this to ingratiate myself into his life and crush him at an opportune moment in the future, but then, I immediately discard kind of thought (with a slight smile) because... it's just not worth it. He's not worth it lol. Good luck dude.
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Letting Go#8: Today I let go of my apparently self-sustained respect for him. I also threw away the jar of peanut puff snacks that I had bought from CNY to send over to him, and never did. I threw away that jar of guilt from me not trying hard enough sometimes.
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Voicing out:
As a part of this journey, I'm beginning to understand what I want. I've always been a drifter, without a definite career/financial/academic goal, just kind of snapping up goodies that floated my way. (I drift but thank goodness I am not so ambivalent as to pass up on opportunities!) I've always been afraid of what humans called love, what society calls marriage, what simply looks like a bunch of strings tying me down. But slowly, very slowly, the fog is lifting and I am suddenly sometimes filled with a sense of surety and calmness as I sieve through the thoughts that bounce up and down, inside and out of my head (and heart): I want a life partner. Not a partner for life - because noone can ever predict what happens- but a partner to walk through Life with. I think, no I know it will be a beautiful journey. We will be a beautiful journey. But until then, my journey is nevertheless full of the beauty of growth and opportunities, of courage and of love. That's all I want. :)
I'm also suddenly free from the unseen shackles that I had unknowingly cast around my ankles. What I had found to be murky before, is suddenly crystal clear. Thanks to him, I had started thinking of an alternate lifestyle - one that is quite different from the one I lead currently. Yet, I had been so afraid to try and I didn't really understand why. Suddenly, remove him from the equation and it's perfectly clear. The life I'd wanted was for myself; not him, not us, not anybody else. And he, though the catalyst who seeded such beautiful thoughts, was also the shackles.
I'm free. :)
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Letting Go#8: Today I let go of my apparently self-sustained respect for him. I also threw away the jar of peanut puff snacks that I had bought from CNY to send over to him, and never did. I threw away that jar of guilt from me not trying hard enough sometimes.
====
Voicing out:
As a part of this journey, I'm beginning to understand what I want. I've always been a drifter, without a definite career/financial/academic goal, just kind of snapping up goodies that floated my way. (I drift but thank goodness I am not so ambivalent as to pass up on opportunities!) I've always been afraid of what humans called love, what society calls marriage, what simply looks like a bunch of strings tying me down. But slowly, very slowly, the fog is lifting and I am suddenly sometimes filled with a sense of surety and calmness as I sieve through the thoughts that bounce up and down, inside and out of my head (and heart): I want a life partner. Not a partner for life - because noone can ever predict what happens- but a partner to walk through Life with. I think, no I know it will be a beautiful journey. We will be a beautiful journey. But until then, my journey is nevertheless full of the beauty of growth and opportunities, of courage and of love. That's all I want. :)
I'm also suddenly free from the unseen shackles that I had unknowingly cast around my ankles. What I had found to be murky before, is suddenly crystal clear. Thanks to him, I had started thinking of an alternate lifestyle - one that is quite different from the one I lead currently. Yet, I had been so afraid to try and I didn't really understand why. Suddenly, remove him from the equation and it's perfectly clear. The life I'd wanted was for myself; not him, not us, not anybody else. And he, though the catalyst who seeded such beautiful thoughts, was also the shackles.
I'm free. :)
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